6.56

for a minute didn't we almost have it all?


close your eyes . . .
now look back,

its not the same as it was before

I cant turn on the light cuz my roommates asleep . . .
so I'm sitting in the dark.

my summer tan is fading . . . my campfluenza is staying.

And I'm sitting here in my shoe box room listening to pedro the lion and kelly clarkson and feeling like my own contradiction.

" I don't have a past
I just have a chance,"

Its 5.30 am . . . My flight leaves in 7 hours. Im not packed actually I havnt even finished laundry yet, oh well itll get done I hope . .. right? prolly.

I woke up with a runny/stuffy nose that seems to have multiple personality disorder and a sore throat that seems to have anger issues. It seems my body recognizes camp as a time to be sick. Bugger.

My "goodbye party" was last night, It made me cry a lil, As much as I'm excited for the kids Ill get to meet this summer I hate leaving home I really do and Christmas seems like a long way off. Its weird to think that I'm growing up Nanton doesn't quite feel like home because I lived out of 2 suitcases while I was here and my room and life seem kind of empty. St Johns isn't quite home because Ive lived there less then a year and it doesn't have as many memories or it does but there not those shared through years memories. Scotian Glen isn't home because Ive never been there before . . . Am I homeless?? Or do I simply have to many homes ?

Ive kind of made a promise of myself to read 1 gossip girl novel each week it will be my extreme guilty pleasure way of staying sane. so far I have the first 2 to start with and Ill get another 2 the first time I'm at chapters. I'm excited :D

I need to pack a cowboy hat . . . It matches all my westerny clothes cuz I'm cool like that.

Everyone (FIL) should join facebook so they can look at all my new pretty pictures :)

I should stop procrastinating and start packing.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo <3

My room is a mess, Theres two suitcases that look like they exploded it makes me kind of sad to know that in a few days I'm gonna be packing again. Ive spent the last 2 months counting down the days to get out of this town and now here I am and I wanna stay, Funny thing is that I don't quite know why. Maybe its that when I'm here I know where I am and where I'm going and its all so safe or maybe its because when I'm here other people know who I am. Theres a sense of security that comes from having someone else there to tell you who you are when you forget. Its funny though because I know I couldn't handle being here for much longer and I know that the reasons that I want to stay here are the exact reasons why I need to leave.

I love getting there . . . but I hate going.

wow so anyone else think I suck at posting? Whatever I made the 10 day mark . . .

I went to Calgary this weekend it was SWEET . . . I got to see Nav.

I also made money which was really nice I like money, my friends aunt asked me today what I was gonna be after I got out of school. At first I said a social worker then I paused and said no I take that back . . . Ill be in debt.

I leave for camp in 9 days any one wanna come over and pack and clean for me ? I will bake you brownies for your effort AND you will get to see me which would be pretty sweet cuz well I'm amazing.


People are really dumb maybe I just set impossibly high standards but I get upset when guys get pouty and angry and act like petulant children for no good reason and FYI . . . Saying "Do you know who I am?" Doesn't make you sound special it makes you sound retarded.

I ordered tea this morning . . . I rarely order tea, but I did quite enjoy it.

my feet are cold . . . I wonder if this has anything to do with the water on our basement floor?
Its tradition come June it rains our basement floods and I relocate to the guest room. Somethings are meant for the out doors some are meant for indoors do you remember kindergarten and elementary school and your teachers saying "Inside voices" Well I'm a firm believer in inside water and outside water . . . outside water should not be in my basement.

I guess though my feet being cold is more then likely completely unrelated to the basement seeing as 1)I'm upstairs and 2)Compared to most years this is nothing theres only a thin layer of water along the south and west walls and it only extends out at most 10ish feet but mostly no more then 5. I realized how used to the flooding Ive become I remember the first year we flooded (grade 11) I was completely shocked when I came home to find my bed room floor floating (paneled floor the water goes underneath pushing the wood up) and the rest of our basement covered in water this year and last year I knew ahead of time that we would prolly flood so I ran around before hand putting everything up.

There was a documentary on last night called "The Bridge" a crew set up cameras and filmed the suicides and attempted suicides on the golden gate bridge. They then tracked down and interviewed friends,families,survivors and witnesses. It was one of those thinker films that I don't see myself liking but I always end loving.

Sometimes I think I forget to breathe . . .

So I’m kind of lame I’m actually writing this blog in word on the bus home form Edmonton and then I’m going to cut and paste it when I have internet . . . am I not super hard core?

Edmonton was Pretty much amazing and defiantly the highlight so far of my being home, YC was pretty sweet and it was GREAT to get to spend so much time with the lovely lilo especially since I have not seen her since the end of camp . . . 9 months is much to long to be away from such amazing people! I also was able to meet mike which was pretty cool AND lilos family which was also very cool me and her sister had some funny conversations at YC “And then I can take you shopping and teach you how to shop for all the cool clothes” I was also able to see buttercup, cocoa, carebear and one of the campers from teen camp to reiterate what I’ve been saying all along it was soooooo nice to see people from camp again!

I was also blessed to see some people from ABC who I have not been able to see since last year before I left. Stacey was in charge of the ABC booth and I got to enjoy some time with her there we had some really nice conversations and I realized how truly amazing she is. Chris (One of the members from the Nanton ministry team last year) Was also at YC and I spent some time helping him with his friends booth I was also able to meet his lovely wife! AND to make it al even better ricot was also at YC it was great to see him again I also met a friend of his who knows one of my friends from school which was very sweet!

Seeing all of these people again made me remember where I was last Spring and the choices I was having to make between bible college and MUN, It was a difficult choice to make and sometimes I do wish I had chosen ABC however I know that memorial is where I am meant to be and I know that God will use me there just as he would use me here. Chris has also invited me to check out his youth group one night and I just might take him up on that offer the next time I’m in the city.

YC itself was pretty amazing as well I was defiantly reminded of Gods presence in my life. Also I GOT TO MEET LEELAND!!!!! And talk to them!!!!!!! And get stuff autographed!!!!!!!! AND I saw there side stage show and I was ON THE FLOOR! (sorry Jordan! But I promise I got you something!) United played twice which was really sweet I was kind of disappointed with some of the worship bands but maybe I’m just getting old. Phil Dooley spoke and I love him so that was nice and I did enjoy the Rebecca st james concert. But the highlight was defiantly leeland. Sunday morning me Lilo and Mike went to church in ST Albert and it was really nice and down to earth and I enjoyed it a lot I also got an early start on meeting Elvis’s Mom Dad and Brother which was nice because I was going to be staying at there house for the next few days.

Sunday night we left YC early and I said goodbye to Lilo :’( to head over to Elvis’s house to start our time together :D :D :D I can not possible describe how thrilled and overjoyed I was to see her again. We ate dinner with her family and then went to IGA to pick up all of our favorite junkfood stuffs (Crispers, Pop, Chocolate Bars And twizzlers to use as straws) Then we visited for a bit and decided to watch life as we know it (amazing show and I recommend it to anybody. We also realized that even though we would be doing individual activities (facebooking, MSNing etc) just being in each other presence was more then enough.

Monday we slept in super late then watched more life as we know it until it was time for us to leave for her to go to work, So while she did that I visited with graham which was nice because I hadn’t seen him in years and then him and elly visited while I had a coffee date with mel . . . coffee was one of the highlights of the trip just to talk about stuff that isn’t talked about often and even though some of it was sad it felt really nice to reconnect with someone like that. After that me elly and graham met up again and went for dinner to BPs with his friend Kat and it was really fun and just an overall good time.

Tuesday me and elly watched more life as we know it and then went down to white ave to browse and take pictures. She is truly an amazing photographer and I recommend that everyone check out her pics (you can find them on my facebook :P) Then we met up with graham again and I decided after plenty of deliberation to get my belly button pierced random I know! We got it done in divine and I was TERRIFIED but graham went in with me and the piercer was really really good really laid back and made me feel so comfortable but also very professional. And surprisingly it didn’t hurt as much as I expected it to it hurt less then my nose! And I think I handled it well.

Wednesday was my last day in Edmonton :’( I ended up waking up at AM because I had a horrible stomach ache prolly from our steady diet of junk food but I was able to get back to sleep so then me and El slept in and then finished off life as we know it!!!! Then we got ready to go and I packed, The goodbye at the red arrow station was super said. But I would not have traded anything this weekend for anything. Me and Elly talked a lot about stuff and if we would change it but I think we agreed that we wouldn’t . . . Even the fact that we were not friends to start with because I guess it all leads us to where we are now.


UPDATE since writing this I being sooo uber smart left my cell on the bus . . . please pray :)

I leave in 3 weeks :(

Sooo its past 3 and I cant sleep . . . suprise suprise



I would really like to sleep Im boreddd . . . I just cant its like theres some switch in my brain and its on when really it should be off . . . My brain is robotic like that Im sure Ill start hhearing buzzing sounds soon. So instead of actually sleeping or trying to sleep Im sittign here listening to radiohead and typing out random drab thoughts that will probally put anyone reading this to sleep.



I dont quite understand our world . . . I see stuff and it makes me want to cry . . . I read stuff and it makes me want to drop out of school and go and save the world. I get this odd little tugging sensation in the back of my mind that Imd oign somethign wrong but the only wrong in what Im doing is that Im doing nothing . . . Im sitting Im reading it Im seeing it but Im not stopping it Im not helping it Im not changing it Im some clueless observer in a sea of faces that is made up of other clueless observers.

Ive also decided that I dislike CNN and the news in general I was neevr one to fall into the "todays youth are desensitised" line but for some reason Im starting to see something that I had ignored before . . . Behind every news story are faces lives people just like me and you and that news story is not a news story but it is there life, If my blog ended up on CNN I might be a lil dissapointed which is ironic because Im putting it out there for all the world to see already hmmmmm I should ponder that.

I think that people think Im a nice person . . . but Im not not at all, I can be very bitter and very defensive. Im sorry.

theres so much I wish I could say so instead I guess Ill just say Im sorry again.

A friend of mine asked me my biggest mistake today . . . I think I lied.

"I dont think there is any difference between creep and human . . ."

its funny how things can change . . .
It feels really odd being home again I was talking to nic and I mentioned how it felt weird to sleep in my room again weird huh? Im yet to hear from someone whose room felt weird lol maybe its just that it feels so empty I feel somehow like my presence clutters it. But I wont have to worry about that for long . . . because on friday I GET TO SEE LILO and on sunday I GET TO SEE ELVIS sooo pretty much I get to see some of my favourite people :) life is very good.

Ive started going for physio and apparently its a good thing because if I had waited much longer I prolly would have had arthritis within a couple of years . . . who doesnt want arthritis tho right?

I bought a new mp3 player a couple weeks ago and I cant for the life of me make it work . . . Im calling the sony people tommorow they will know how to make it work. . . its there job, right?

Im hosting bible study tommorow I have to clean bake and go over what I have planned . . . Im kind of nervous because I want to bring in some stuff to get/keep people thinkign and talking but I dont like the idea of putting myself in a position where I can be critisized.

I'm thinking a lot lately about paths . . .

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cuz love doesnt hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up

On love, On love

Sometimes I get this tugging feeling like theres something I should be doing something I need to be doing (Or do in the future) I hate this feeling it just reminds me of how stubborn I am . . . I have the huge fear of the unknown of giving up that which is comfortable for that which may not be. Of leaving behind certain aspects of my life and giving up on parts of my life.

I go through these stages of doubting everything Ive done and am doing and wondering if its really what I'm supposed to do I just wonder . . . If I could go back what would I change? It amazes me how in one year I can look back and see everything so differently. People Places Things Decisions all of them seem changed, When really I know its just me.

I think I just want some direction . . . right now its just that tugging nagging invisible voice from outside of my head. . . the DSM prolly has something to say about that. But we wont see what that is (ughhhghghghhgghhg university has poisoned my brain against non academic thought)

My throat really hurts and its making it difficult for me to sleep.

Hey what you got you don't know
Anything that I'm gonna say right now
Cuz I'm not so sure why I'm here and why I wanna
Keep on hanging 'round right now
Not that I do it now or any day
Sometimes I just get burned out
About lots of things and well just doubt
Tell me something good~The rocket summer

When I get bored on summer vacation . . .

I seem to be at a loss for words still which is kinna funny because that does not usually happen! I cant believe I have not updated since Ive been home it seems kind of sad . . . Home is lame my cat ran away I miss him more then words can describe boo urns

Calgary makes me smile . . . I should not drink fruit juice in any situation where intense laughter may occur

Spending time with niki is fun I should make an effort to do it more often

I also bought a new Mp3 player it cost wayyy to much money but I love it and now I can figure out how to make it work DARN I need a computer savvy person
any volunteers?

Fil~ I will be thinking of you in your lonely barren lodge room devoid of super cool room mates while I take a long hot shower in my cabin that is devoid of toxic mould :)

Nav~Every night that I get a "full" nights sleep I will think of you waking up at 6 with your LITs to help set up stuff for options . . .

bahhh finals . . . they really mess with me Im running on 4 hours of sleep in the past 36 hours . . . 8 hours since in the past 72 :s and then I was feeling icky this morning and realized that I hadnt actually eaten a "meal" since monday at dinner. I literally forgot to eat.

However after psych in half an hour Im done till Saturday and that is my last one :D then its just chill till I leave for home.

Looks like Im carrying on the might tradition of PLCers to go to nova scotia . . . Scotian glen counsellor here I come. Im happy but at the same time not . . . Im starting to grow sick of leaving. I think it has something to do with I mean yah I was at school for 6 months . . . but
i was home for almost a month in the middle and that kinna takes away from it.

Im also facing the impending dillema of packing . . . what goes home ? what stays in the trunk room? and its further complicated by going to NS because now Im like uhhh whata bout stuff that Im gonna want there but I dont wanna bring home ? like bedding for example! as Jordan would say GEE WHIZ and yeah Im prolly over complicating things but I blame it all on a lack of sleep.

Happy almost birthday to nav!

confession . . . I have been avoiding my blog lately. It seems to be the victim of elephant in the kitchen scenario . . . I avoid my blog because I know eventually Im gonna have to say something about camp (even though everyone knows) but I also know that I dont know what to say.

Long story short I didnt get hired back at plc *tear snif snif* I really dont understand why and mostly thats what bothers me, I know that God has some plan but right now Im not quite feeling it. I did however apply at scotian glen so we shall see (Im a bit anxious though because I dont know that all my reference forms got in on time) but I should know sometime in the next week or so. Im really hoping for this just because the alternative is a brutal summer of babysitting and a possible repeat of chirstmas where my mom and Ashley fought for most of it . . . and truthfully I cant handle that again I just cant.

Sometimes I feel liek Im suosed to pretend that everythings all right or perfect just to appear more "normal" but truthfully Im sick of doing that. Hence the above honesty, I dont know I guess Im just scared of the future but isnt everyone?

School is ok Im super stresy for finals because Im afraid I wont have the GPA that I need to get back into rez and if I dont get back into rez then Im hooped for a palce to live, I dont wan to think of that though so Im just going to keep going on the fact that I WILL have the gpa.

The easter musical at citadel was AMAZING I went to see it Fridaya nd it was BEAUTIFULL they realy put jesus up there :) Through the fear of the summer Im actualy super sad to see the year end its been amazing with both its ups and downs but lookign back it went pretty ok.

I should go try for sleep . . . boo sleep Ill get enough when Im dead.

Props to Zach for reminding me of something very important! Even though he reminded me for a funny reason :)

Jungle Jims is amazing . . . Its a pity that its only in newfoundland,nova scotia and new brunswick!

Habs lost!!!!!!!!! Im sorry jordan!

With each gift that you share
You may heal and repair
With each choice that you make
You may help someone's day
Well I know you are strong
May your journey be long
Now I wish you the best of luck
Well I know you are strong
May your journey be long
And now I wish you the best of luck

blind optimism can be a good thing . . . but then you just feel like an idiot after, its easy to think that God has a plan and all that but when something happens then its not so easy.

I'm supposed to do my testimony tomorrow at the temples evening service I'm not excited I feel like I should make everything happy and sunshiny and give it some happy ending when right now the ending is just as confusing as parts of the beginning. someone really smart told me once that being a Christian wasn't meant to make life easy if anything it made it harder I agree with her Ive come to realize that the more faith you have the more it hurts when that faith is challenged.

I'm depressed and feel like poop . . . deal with it.

Volunteer training for orientation was today it was ok the whole amazing race thing was cool so was the diversity activity.

I ended up finding my necklace under my mattress how it go there form my dresser is beyond me.

Can your life change in a month ?
In a week ?
In a single day?
Were always in a hurry
to grow up
To go places
But when your young
One hour
Can Change everything
Lucas Scott~One Tree Hill
To get ahead

:D :D
The foot has healed!!! I still have to go in and get a physio assessment done and take antinflamatorys but the fracture itself is healed (or so they say . . . BWAHAHAHAHA)

Anyway . . . I'm really quite confused right now. Recent events have led me to question the sanity of myself and those around me. And I know that overall its been a really good week but thats just not working to console me, My focus is pretty much shattered and I don't know how to regain it. I hate being blamed for stuff that I didn't do it really upsets me.

I have been procrastinating alot as of late, And I came into the UC this morning at like 8.30 to work on my geo before english but then I had a blonde moment and forgot how to construct quartiles on my location/ income table so Ive been facebooking (among other things)

Yesterday I started work at 7.30 and as a result had around 2 hours of sleep so by the time I got home I was exhausted and fell asleep at 7 but because of that I was up at 5 and couldn't get back to sleep now its close to 10 and I'm ready to go back to sleep. Except now I have class.
This really sucks.

Because I am a star . . .

I had a very good daya nd its only 3 in the afternoon or 11 30 in the morning depending on how you look at it :)

I went to the mall and bought books !!!!!!!!! Shopaholic and baby AND forever in blue :D :D :D :D
it was pretty sweet I also went into garage because I have a 6 dollar credit there but then I started to feel old because the store was full of girls under the age of 12 . . . I also felt old in Coles when I went to buy forever in blue because the aisle was a mother with her two daughters one was around 7 and the other was 4 the 7 year old was sooooooooo excited about junie b jones books and then I felt silly because I know what those are.

I have green on my socks . . . and a turquisey greeny hair elastic in :)

would anyone like to volunteer to clean my room? I lost my necklace when I took it off before bed and Im yet to find it . . . my room really needs to be cleaned.

1. Grab your phone.

2. What kind is your phone?
Pink and Black Samsung

3. Who's the first person who comes up under the letter M?
mom

4. Who's the last person you called?
home to talk to my little sister

6. Who was your last missed call from?
My roommates phone I called my phone form it because I couldn't find my phone

7. Who's the 2nd person who comes up under D?
Dennis

8. Who's speed dial 2?
Elly

9. Who's the 3rd person who comes up under J?
jillian

10. Who was your last received call from?
My grandma

11. Who is speed dial 4?
Alex

12. What does your banner say?
Silent mode

13. How many text messages are currently in your inbox?
27

14. What do you have as your background?
Black with pink stars . . . the pattern on my book bag I got bored one day lol

15. Who's speed dial #1?
voice mail

16. What's the 5th message say in your inbox?
Ok not a problem from BRad

17. Who's the 1st person who comes up under B?
Brad

18. how many bars of signal do you currently have?
3
19. Who was your last text message from?
Jordan Brace

20. Name every person you have text messages from.
jordan,mom,brad,elly,buttercup,
candice,

22. whos the 9th person on your recent calls?
ty


23. What does the 6th message in your inbox say?
march 15 12-2 march 20 2-4 march 21 1-3

24. Who is the first name in your Phonebook?
amanda

25. Who is the last name in your Phonebook?
ty

26. Do you have a camera phone?
yup

27. Who is the last person under G ?
graham

28. What does the last text message say in your inbox?
""7 30 carly same as always" thats what my wonderfull aunt just said"

29.Who did you send the most text messages to in your outbox?
brad or elly

30. What is your ringtone?
vibrate or ben harpers diamonds on the inside

J'Adore looking at old blog entries . . .

I kinna suck at upating lately but thats ok:) Everything is pretty much ok super busy with school work SASF stuff house stuff etc but I love it I love being involved and busy again its great, School is still good yay socio boo english and everything else is pretty ok as well.

My mommy booked my plane ticket home (April 19) she also booked my return flight back here (sept 1) and whats odd is that in alot of ways I feel just as if not more excited for comign back here then for going home I dunno I just think that theres alot of things I going to miss (Stay tuned for a massive list of things I miss when I get home :P) Not to say Im not thrilled to be goign home I am I miss my mom and sister and everythign else.

I havnt heard back from camp yet, Im kinna worried about it but mostly just because of how much I love it there and the kids who go there however I do know that no matter what happens God has a plan.

Dont the hours go shorter as the days go by
We never get to stop and open our eyes
One minute your waiting for the sky to fall
And next your dazzled by the beauty of it all . . .
Lovers in a dangerous time~Barenaked Ladies





For anyone who cares this was what I wrote a year ago this week . . . thought it was cool to look back
Sunday, March 12, 2006

you had me at hello
I pretty much have not updated in forever. *Sigh* Things have been insane as per usual lol. I applied to uni !!!!!! I also went to red deer it wrcked my cazbah. Tonight is hot tub slurpee night with Dest and Lynn and possibly Umeko I am excited. I have a death cold right now I also have a bio test on tuesday Im gonna go study for a bit before girlies get here. Things are crazy I really wish I knew whut to do right now

> >>Things you may not have known about me.....

A) Four jobs I have had in my life
1. Babysitter
2. Winks girl (that lasted about a week)
3. Camp counsellor
4.Treats bakery


B) Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. Annapolis
2. Poseidon
3. Varsity Blues
4. Blood Diamond

C) Four places you have lived:
1. Calgary
2. Nanton
3. Camp
4.St.Johns

D) Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. House
2. One Tree Hill
3. The O.C
4. The News when I can

E) Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Greece
2. B.C
3. Muskoka
4. Disneyland

F) Websites you visit daily:
1. hotmail
2. MUN
3. Nexopia
4. Face Book

G) Four of my favorite foods:
1. Taco Time veggie burrito
2. Tater Tots
3. fettucini
4. Pizza

H) Four places I would rather be right now:
1.Greece
2. Home
3. Camp
4. Anywhere warm

I hate health sciences . . . And campus health.
One might ask "Why carly? Why do you hate them both?"
Here is my answer

Today I went into campus health because I was sick last night well when I went int he told me that they had results to go over with me from some Xrays that I had gotten done on my foot . . . Xrays that had been done in NOVEMBER. What did these xrays say? That my foot didnt heal right to begin with that the fracture spread intot he joint and the fracture line was still visible. (guess that explains why it still hurts!)

This means that tommorow I have to get more xrays done then go back again in 2 weeks to get those looked at. If the fracture line is still visible . . . Well then Ill spend the next 4-6 weeks in a walking cast. Oh and Im now at a higher risk of arthritis and other injuries/problems because of this.

Why could they not have . . .
a)x rayed my foot before they casted it ?
b)x rayed it right after the cast came off ?
c)told me the results of the nov x rays ?

I know its not that big of a deal. . . It just irritates me that Im still dealing with an injury that I got in Sept . . .

School is pretty ok.

Today I went to the dentists . . . It was an emergency dentists trip due to the fact that one of my crowns popped off while I was eating sour soothers and studying . . . From now on Im sticking to the small sour soothers.

However one good thing came out of all this, The dentists office was on the other side of town meaning I managed the metro bus and it wasn't the route that goes to the mall . . . I also read womens studies on the bus,and in the waiting room, and in the dentists chair until I couldnt see the pages because of the dentists hand haha Im soooo hardcore. PS the dentist had these gorgeous blue eyes and yes . . . he was in my mouth (I had to say it I'm sorry)

I just could not fall asleep till around 4 am and I was up at 7.30 . . . I feel sick and tired and pretty much zombie like. I'm considering sleeping instead of womens studies. We shall see.

Im amazed at how fast this semester is going . . . Already half way done :o I find that unnerving.

Dont mind me as I melt into the wall . . .

I think the hardest way to care about someone is having them right beside you and knowing that no matter how hard you try it wont change anything.

I know I'm not supposed to think like this but sometimes I just feel like I have some sort of unfixable flaw . . . like no matter what I do I'm never gonna be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, skinny enough or confident enough. Like I'm always gonna be on the sidelines the one who's there but only in the background the one who everyone notices but no one sees. All I want is to be that girl who someone sees as special and somehow I don't think that will ever happen.

Its funny when two people who are supposedly your friends can have a whole conversation and completely ignore you.

Sometimes I feel really torn about home and where home is and what it means to me to be home. ALberta will allways be my home and my family will always be my family, But sometimes I feel like Im trying to hold on to all of that stuff when really I need to be looking for new stuff to hang on to. Im in this state of havoc right now where I love where I am and I love what Im doing but because of stuff at "home" in AB Im finding it hard not to just book a plane ticket and fly there.

Im having a really hard time seperating everything, And I know this is normal but its hard . . .

Im doing downtown ministries tonight and am really excited, Were going down in the salvation army van and handing out coffee etc and just chatting with people it should be a good time.

I finished my geography 1050 midterm today it went suprisingly well, My sociology was on tuesday and it also went really really well but we shall see when my marks get back. So Im officially done till Thursday . . . Im gonna try and get some stuff done though over break so that Im not as swamped up until finals (I stole this idea from ashlee)

Today was the scavenger hunt for winter carnival . . . I never realized that 6 hours could blend so much into one another that they felt more like 2 . . . It was long hard cold wet but fun.

SASF was last night me and ashlee had quite the adventure see heres the story there are these wheely platform things used for moving chairs around well we got the bright idea that you can use them as scooters unless of ocurse your me and are injured well we decide that she will stand and scooter it and I will lay on my belly and use my hands to wheel it difficult yes ? hilarious ? definatly.

I feel empty right now

Soooooooo . . .
No broken bones!!!!!!! I messed up the ligament that attaches my foot to my leg and buggered with the other soft tissue fun right?

Schools ok . . . Were in the middel of political geography so its awesome, Im also still loving sociology. Midterms are coming up but I have a pretty ok midterm schedule.

Rez hockey was tonight the bearcocks beat the rhinodogs 3/2 OHHH YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. It was a sweet game!!!

I dont know really what else to say, My blog is lacking comments . . . does anyone wanna leave me a comment ?

Wow Im getting so bad at this whole posting thing . . . In order to save time I think Im just gonna touch key points . . .

SASF retreat was pretty cool . . . On one hand it made me soooooo homesick because it made me think alot about people from back home my home church and people from camp. It was however really nice to be able tot talk to people that know some of the same people as me its probably the next best thing to actually talking to the people them selfs. On the other hand it was so AMAZING to get to know people that are not from rez, I think theres a big difference between rez friendships and non rez friendships I also think that rez has made me very antisocial and perhaps even more shy then I was when I first got here. basically the point to that whole spiel is that I see people in the hall now and I know them and its pretty sweet. Also the speakers were great and the whole weekend though defiantly not perfect was a great experience.

This past week consisted of school (however campus was closed on wednesday so that was sweet) It also consisted of getting things organized for relay for life. Relay for life was Saturday and it was completely utterly totally indescribably amazing. We took turns putting on the big mascot suit (our house mascot is the fighting game cock) and I had a blast in it when your wearing a mascot suit no one knows who you are and the anonymity gives you freedom . . .
"Are you a girl or a boy?"
"Guess"
"Ok girl . . . Can I pet you ?"
"ummmmmm ok"
(boy pets chickens shoulder)
I also danced up a storm and for anyone who knows me I really do not dance lol.

Also on a less happy note my foot hurt alll night the one hat I broke earlier this year, However during the last lap I decided to start sprinting . . . Well not a good Idea I somehow managed to bugger up my OTHER foot it is now swollen and icky and if its not better by tomorrow it will be getting looked at (prayers would be greatly appreciated)


Plans for this week ?? School Start studying for mid terms, SASF on Friday, Rehersals this weekend Other then that nothing that I can think of.


I can sort of feel life taking a turn I think its a good one.

SASF winter retreat this weekend!!! Whos excited??? Me I think. . .

On another note today was the protest in the square and even if things do not work out the way we would like them to it was still amazing to see paton college and burtons pond students coming out and supporting the cause. Maybe today effectively showed Dr.Meisen why some people consider rez to be the heart and soul of this campus.

for info on what I mean by all of this check out http://munsoar.blogspot.com

I thought I felt like blogging but I guess I dont . . .

I love my classes . . . My sociology class is AMAZING, My English class is pretty cool, Geography and psych are both good and even though Im a little nervous about womens studies I still think it should be good.

So overall the first week back has been good, The first rothermere party of the year was last night Gi Joes and Army Hoes what a theme. It left me with a very bitter taste in my mouth. Im very frustrated by people.

I am however not frustrated with myself which is good, And I finally made my new years resolutions.

Soooooooooooo
I leave for the airport in an hour and a half . . .
Just thought Id throw something in here before then. I'm ambivalent no matter where I am Im going to feel homesick so whutevs. Also my nose is still suffy so Im worried about another isnus headache lol yay for the array of medicine in my purse!

I wish I had a shot at sleeping before 9 am . . .

le sigh

New years was a blast Vietnamese with Fil for dinner (lol she took my Vietnamese v-card) and then zoo years eve with her and jonas (yay for pretty lights and amazing fireworks!!!) Then was cocoas party which was awesome because I got to see nav pip cocoa bungee and superman again (camp names of course) I also got to meet cocoas friend myrtle from Australia who was a blast. After the all night chatting we ended up picking up superman again where me and Fil got to see shrekky which made my day.

It was also great seeing dest again on Thursday we went to pizza hut and cheesecake cafe and it was amazing . . . Boxing week sales also make me smile (2 for 1 at fairweather!!!!) so I got some pajama pants.

this week ? Packing and had dinner with corey tonight also hopefully coffee with ty sometime and hopefully seeing jesse tomorrow also Id like to see val . . . we shall see what happens.

I dont know how I feel about heading home . . . Im excited but sad . . . tis bittersweet.

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the heart again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay